Self-Love: Drop Shame + Believe You’re Worthy
Self-love is not a concept that I love talking about publicly. (Until now, I guess!)
I’m a pretty confident person and I’m an extroverted introvert (but most people just think I’m an extrovert). People assume because of my confidence that I have loads of self-love.
But the truth is, I’ve struggled with feeling pretty “conditional” love for myself - for most of my life.
I find it easy to love others, but hard to love myself consistently. My self-love tends to dip especially low when I’m not achieving, productive, blah blah. And that ‘conditional love’ triggers shame. (“I’m a life coach, for god’s sake!” is a voice in my head).
Let’s be honest - most coaches get into coaching because they’ve struggled with the same themes and concepts themselves. So, here I am.
Self-love is something I’ve been working hard to cultivate for myself - by getting my own coach, in therapy, and through my coach education and training. It’s still a process, but with each passing year I'm learning to love myself more, despite my failures and flaws.
So, here’s my take on what self-love is & why it matters so much. My hope is in sharing this that we can begin to normalize something that isn’t a ‘given’ for everyone. To give you hope that if you struggle with self-love that it’s something you can cultivate with some intentional practices.
Simply put - Life is too short to be hating yourself all the time. You have the power to make a change and love yourself.
What is Self-Love?
Self-love isn't just patting yourself on the back when you nail a presentation or crush a workout. Those moments are great, but self-love is there even when you trip up, drop the ball, or just have an off day.
Accomplishments: "I got a promotion! Yay me!" That’s feeling proud.
Confidence: "I can totally ace this test." That’s confidence in your abilities.
Self-Esteem: "I’m a good person and I deserve good things." That’s self-esteem.
But self-love? It’s "I messed up, but that doesn’t mean I’m unworthy of love and respect." It’s the undercurrent of acceptance that doesn’t waver with your successes or failures.
Think about unconditional love between a parent and child. There’s no ‘doing’ or ‘accomplishing’ needed for the baby to be loved by the parent. It’s not based on certain conditions being met.
Self-esteem (feeling good about your skills) or pride (feeling good about achievements) is great. But self-love is about valuing you—the person behind all the stuff you do—just because you’re you. No gold star required.
Example of Self-Love
You bombed the presentation but still like yourself at the end of the day. Acceptance, even on your not-so-great days. Brené Brown puts it like this: “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” It’s that ability to be kind to yourself when you’re not perfect.
Signs of Low Self-Love
Self-love is one of those things you don’t realize you’re missing until you’re knee-deep in self-criticism. Here are some signs it’s lacking:
You’re overly critical of yourself (ever found yourself saying “I’m an idiot” on loop?).
You’re a people pleaser—always putting others first, even at your own expense.
You avoid making decisions or taking risks because you don’t trust yourself.
In my experience, low self-love often shows up like this: You think you need to “earn” your right to relax, be happy, or feel proud of yourself. But spoiler alert: you don’t.
How to Cultivate Self-Love
So, what do you do when you realize your self-love is low? Here’s what I’ve found that helps, both in my own life and with my clients.
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Instead of beating yourself up for every mistake, ask yourself, “Would I talk to my best friend this way?” Chances are, the answer is “hell no.” Kristin Neff, the queen of self-compassion research, says this: Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a close friend. It’s weird at first, but it works.
Framework: Acknowledge the mistake, accept it as part of being human, and speak kindly to yourself about it.
Professional Example: You missed a deadline. Instead of spiraling, try: “I messed up, and that’s okay. How can I fix this and learn for next time?”
Personal Example: You’ve had a lazy Sunday binge-watching Netflix. Instead of feeling guilty, try: “I needed a break, and I deserve some downtime.”
2. Set Boundaries
I talk about boundaries a lot—but that’s because they’re key to self-love. Boundaries help you protect your time, energy, and mental well-being, which is a huge act of self-care. As Nedra Glover Tawwab says, “Boundaries are the antidote to resentment.” In other words, they help you stop feeling like the world’s doormat.
Framework: Define what you need (time, space, or energy) and communicate that to others.
Professional Example: “I won’t be checking emails after 6 PM anymore.”
Personal Example: “I’m not available for social plans this weekend because I need to recharge.”
More on this topic in my next blog post.
3. Celebrate Small Wins
Building self-love isn’t about waiting until you’ve climbed Mount Everest (or, you know, hit that massive career goal). It’s about acknowledging the small victories. Shirzad Chamine talks about this in his book Positive Intelligence —celebrating the small wins can create a positive feedback loop.
Framework: At the end of each day, jot down one thing you did well, no matter how small.
Professional Example: “I finally organized my inbox.”
Personal Example: “I cooked myself a healthy meal.”
Self-Love in Action
Because I like frameworks and examples (and I know you do too), here’s examples of how self-love can play out in both work and personal life:
Professional Example
You’re leading a project, and it doesn’t go as planned. Self-love in this moment looks like acknowledging that you did your best with the information and resources you had, learning from the experience, and not letting one failure define your self-worth. It’s about stepping back and saying, “I’m still valuable, even when the outcome isn’t perfect.”
Personal Example
You’ve been putting off a workout because you’re feeling sluggish. Instead of beating yourself up for it, self-love looks like listening to your body. You ask yourself “what do I really need?” and you listen. Maybe it’s rest. Maybe it’s a different type of exercise. Whatever it is, it’s getting curious instead of steeping in guilt. It’s listening to and prioritizing your well-being rather than beating yourself up over not meeting your exercise goal.
What About Shame?
Ah, shame. That sneaky little voice that shows up when you’ve made a mistake or feel like you’re “not enough.” Shame isn’t just an inconvenience—it can be downright paralyzing. Brené Brown calls it “the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.” Fun times, right?
But here’s the thing: Shame doesn’t have to keep you stuck. When you feel that debilitating shame creeping in, pause and try these tips:
1. Name It to Tame It
Shame thrives in secrecy. The first step to stopping it is naming what you’re feeling. Literally say, “This is shame,” or write it down. It takes the power out of the emotion. As Dan Siegel says, “Name it to tame it.” Once you acknowledge the shame, it’s easier to deal with.
Example: "I’m feeling ashamed because I missed that deadline, and now I’m worried people will think I’m incompetent."
2. Question the Story
Shame likes to tell you stories, usually with a heavy dose of exaggeration. Ask yourself: Is this really true? Am I making this worse than it is? Chances are, the shame is blowing the situation out of proportion.
Terry Real, an author and couples therapist, describes how feeling guilt when you make a mistake is a good thing. You take responsibility for what you should own and name the desire to do better next time. Guilt implies there’s something to learn from (which is great) but there’s also often a lie hiding in there (shame, which is not great).
That lie is “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not worthy.” If you believe in the shame, you’re believing a lie. That will split you open. No amount of fighting or running can heal shame until you realize, “Oh, there’s a lie here (shame) and I have to stop believing it.”
Framework: Ask, “What is the story I’m telling myself, and what are the actual facts?”
Example: "The story I’m telling myself is that missing this deadline means I’m terrible at my job. The facts are – I missed this deadline… and I’ve met many others."
3. Share It
We all need someone who can hear our shame story without judgment. Call or message a friend or mentor and tell them what’s going on. The act of sharing with someone who loves you can be the antidote to shame. Brené Brown talks a lot about how shame can’t survive being spoken aloud and met with empathy.
Example: "I’m feeling ashamed about how I handled that meeting, can I just vent for a second?"
4. Practice Self-Compassion (Again)
Shame wants you to think you don’t deserve kindness, but that’s exactly what you need when you’re drowning in it. Take a moment to remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that this moment doesn’t define you. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend going through the same thing.
Framework: Say to yourself, “This is a tough moment, but it’s part of being human. I’m going to be kind to myself through this.”
5. Move Your Body
Sometimes, getting out of your head is the quickest way to stop shame from taking over. Take a walk, do some stretching, or dance around the kitchen (no, seriously). Moving your body can help release some of the tension and break mental loops.
Example: When you start spiraling after a tough feedback session at work, go outside for a 10-minute walk to reset.
Summary - shame is a jerk, but it doesn’t have to rule your life. By pausing, naming the shame, and taking some small steps to reset, you can break the cycle and get back to treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve.
Why Self-Love Matters
Self-love isn’t about bubble baths (although, hey, if that’s your thing, more power to you). It’s about treating yourself like an inherently lovable human being who’s worthy of kindness and respect, even when things go sideways.
This quote from Rupi Kaur reminds us why self-love matters so much. How we love ourselves is a model for how others learn to love us. If we are horrible to ourselves we show others that it’s okay to be horrible to us and others. And, it’s not.
Start growing self-love with small steps—practice self-compassion, set boundaries, and celebrate your wins.
If you want support on this, I’m here to help.
