Quieting Your Harsh Inner Critic
Do you ever get tired of the mean voices running in your head?
That “harsh inner critic” came up in my Women's Circle this week. It warrants a deep dive.
This is my synthesis of what I've learned about quieting that harsh inner critic. With practice, you can come to better understand and kindly mute those unsupportive voices in your head — the ones that hold you back from doing what you want to do.
If you’re ready to stop that nasty voice in your head saying “Who do you think you are!” or “You worthless P.O.S.”... read on.
Full Transparency: What My Nasty Inner Critics Look Like
I’ve learned so much on this topic of nasty inner voices. As a coach, yes, but also as someone that is very familiar with these voices herself.
I’ll be fully transparent here, because I think this is the way to make this real. Actionable. Understandable.
Some of my go-to favorite lines from my harsh inner voice are:
“Why are you wasting time on these random creative exercises? Get back to work!”
“I can’t believe you let people see you dance like that. How embarrassing!”
“All this has been said before, by people smarter than you, Jen. Just step aside and leave it to the experts. Go back to your books.”
Eeekk. I can barely stand to write them down.
The good news is – I also have learned many tools for quieting these inner voices. Because I really needed the tools. Maybe you do too.
I’m now able to keep many of those voices at bay, while also supporting others in relating differently with these voices. I’ve come a long way, and am still a work-in-progress.
Eyes Open: How to Spot Your Inner Critic 👀
Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. a clinical psychologist and author of “Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice” defines the critical inner voice as “a well-integrated pattern of negative thoughts toward one's self and others that is at the root of an individual's maladaptive behavior. It represents an overlay on the personality that is not natural or harmonious but learned or imposed from without.” (Disclaimer, I haven’t read her book but often see her quoted).
She gives examples of voices that are cruel and berating, like “Who do you think you are? You'll never succeed. You're not like everyone else. No one will ever care about you.”
She also acknowledges a more sneaky manifestation of these thoughts - the “deceptively calm and soothing” – ones like “You're just fine on your own” or “The only person you can rely on is yourself” or “You should reward yourself with one last drink; it will make you feel better.”
My deceptive one is “All this has been said before, by people smarter than you, Jen. Just step aside and leave it to the experts. Go back to your books.” It gives me ‘permission’ to not show up and share what I know. It gives me permission to go to yet another training and be a student again… and not show up and share what I already know with people that really want to hear it. It holds me back from what I believe to be my mission of service.
Are there people way smarter than me? Of course! And hell yes, this has been said before! But does that mean I shouldn’t share it? My wise adult self says “no!” The reality is we learn lots of things from lots of different people. And I find the most relatable people to be the ones I learn the most from. Not the ones that pretend to have it all figured out. And should only the ‘smartest’ people in the world be allowed to speak and teach? No, of course not.
Whether cruel or soothing, these thoughts often hold us back from going after what we want.
The Plus Side To Recognizing This Voice: You Have Self-Esteem + You Are A Wise Adult 🦉
Many of us are so used to this critical voice inside our head, that we don't even identify it as something other than us. It can be mean and downright cruel, even if you don’t present as a mean person to the outside world. You’d never speak like that to your child or a friend, but yet that’s what your voice sounds like inside - whenever you start feeling vulnerable, pushing up against an edge, or trying something new.
When we do realize how mean it is, a natural instinct is to say to yourself “why do i talk to myself like that? I want it to go away.” We can see clearly that that voice is not serving us. When we know in our bones that we do not deserve to be spoken to like that… It's actually a good sign. Wait, what?!
Yes. I think it’s a good sign because it means we have some healthy self-esteem from which we are operating. That deep down, we recognize that we are worthy of more love and respect than we are getting.
It also means that we recognize this voice is a pattern, not our actual voice. It’s not the voice of our own wise adult self. Noting it as something distinct from YOU is critical in disengaging and deactivating it.
Both believing you are worthy of better and acknowledging that voice as something you can change are critical first steps in dismantling these voices.
The next question then usually becomes… how can we get that harsh inner critic voice to… go away?
Question It: Why Does The Inner Critic Exist? 🤦
I really enjoy Terry Real's work from the Relational Life Institute on this particular topic. I’ve done a number of trainings with him and have worked with an RLT couples therapist. This stuff continues to blow my mind.
Similar to Internal Family Systems, the foundation of his work is based on the principle that we have different parts inside of us. In this exercise, consider these three parts:
Wounded Child - our young, hurt part that gets flooded with emotions and sometimes needs to be held and loved
Adaptive Child - the strong part of us that made adaptations to survive and thrive as a child. This part is often running the show when we get frustrated, angry, or upset. It’s the part of us that flips us into our old ‘default mode’ of behaving or talking – even when we ‘know better’. It’s the part of us that carries dysfunctional patterns in relationships.
Wise Adult - This is our prefrontal cortex, the thinking mind. The part of us that ‘knows better’. The part we use to reparent our adaptive child and (when necessary) hold and love our wounded child. Reparenting is the practice of putting our Adaptive Child in the backseat and keeping me (the Wise Adult) in the drivers seat. We tell them “I love you and I've got this.” or if you like the car driving metaphor, “You drove the way you needed to a kid, in order to get by. But I had done driving school and have had 20+ years of practice. I’ve got the wheel, not the child.”
Terry also talks about how there are three things that can get in the way of healthy self-esteem:
Shame and Grandiosity
Trauma
Harshness
I found that to be a really interesting point – and illuminates that even if we do heal our share and trauma… if we are still being harsh with ourselves it may not appear to look much different.
For the purposes of today’s topic, let’s focus on #3.
Time for Action: Here’s How To Get Rid of The Harsh Critic 🔥
If you’ve acknowledged that your inner voice is harsh, and you’ve decided that you’re sick of it… here’s what I’ve found works:
Step 1) Commit to Living a Nonviolent Life. ☮️
This may sound weird. But I believe it’s foundational. If you think it’s okay to be mean, then you’ll continue to be violent with yourself.
Terry Real calls this “Full Respect Living.” It’s when you make a commitment that you will not indulge behavior or words that are disrespectful to another human. That includes yourself. If you truly believe this and want this as a core value in your life… it’s a lot easier to quiet those voices.
His go-to line is "there is no redeeming value in harshness."
Modern parenting experts agree. Being kind and loving does not mean you are a push-over and allow yourself to be trampled upon. It’s just as simple as not responding to harshness with more harshness.
To use the parenting example, we try to model loving compassion to our kids, so they will know how to be compassionate with themselves and others. We keep them safe, sometimes by using force when necessary. We are loving, but also often firm with clear expectation-setting. Consequences are outlined, boundaries are set. And it’s done with respect and out of respect.
A small child has a tantrum and starts hitting you. You say “I see you're angry. I'm not going to let you hit me.” while you hold their arms away or move out of hitting range. You’re acknowledging their experience, showing them love, and keeping a firm boundary.
Terry says, “There is nothing that harshness can do better than firm loving kindness can’t do better.”
If we believe this to be true with our kids… why then, would we think it’s okay to be violent with ourselves? It’s time to change that. (More on learning to live a non-violent life from Terry Real here: https://terryreal.com/articles/live-a-non-violent-life)
Step 2) Set a Boundary Around Harshness 💪
I then literally repeat the words of Terry Real here and set a boundary: “If it’s not kind, I’m not interested."
If you’ve seen Sarri Gilman’s TED talk on Good Boundaries, you can think of it in simpler terms. You hear the voice. You let your inner compass respond. The inner compass only has 2 words - yes, or no. When I hear that judgemental voice about my dancing… I just want to say “no” to that. So… try saying a firm but loving “No.”
A boundary is something we set, not as a way to control others, but to express what we're willing and unwilling to engage with. If we know that we want to live a nonviolent life and someone speaks to us violently, we can respond with our boundary which may be “If it’s not kind, I’m not interested.”
When I’m in my wise adult state, I can more easily hear these harsh voices of the inner child. With calm loving firmness, I can set my boundary. That’s how we keep ourselves safe and cared for.
We do not let young children drive our cars. We do not want to let our Adaptive Child run our lives.
Boundaries could be it’s own topic, but essentially they’ve got to be clear. Depending on delivery and tone, than can make people fee “wow, she really knows herself and her limits” or “wow, she’s trying to control me!”.
Think about responding to your harsh inner critic in a loud, tantrum-like voice “don't talk to me like that!" That’s not great for 2 reasons. First, that’s a demand of someone else, not a boundary for yourself. Second, if it has any harshness, you’re not living by your commitment in step #1 – full-respect living. How can you say it with firm loving kindness? How would you say it to a child that you love, when you are well-resourced and regulated? Maybe it sounds like “I will not engage with harshness. I will not listen to you if you speak to me like that. I want to understand what you’re trying to say. Would you be willing to try again?”
Step 3) Acknowledge the Harsh Critic Is Actually Your Adaptive Child Doing It’s Job 👶
When I hear the voice, this is literally what I do. I say “Oh hello Adaptive Child!” Remind yourself that the inner critic is actually your Adaptive Child. They are SO well trained at protecting themselves in the ways they needed to as a child. They hid when they were hit to protect themselves. So when they yell “HIDE!” It's because that’s what worked for them. Back then.
Name that you are no longer a child. You are now a wise adult. (I even like to say my age. Sometimes I even emphasize the years of experience I've gained since that adaptive child learned that skill. Really helps drive it home.)
Personal example:
I am a beginner pole dancer. I started 2 years ago - I’ll be 38 next month. I often hear this voice saying “I can’t believe you let people see you dance like that. No one wants to see that - how embarrassing!”
I literally say back: “Oh hello, Adaptive Child Jen!” Then I set a boundary.
Step 4) Listen + Understand It’s Motivation 🙉
The Adaptive Child wants to be heard. Ask it, “what are you really worried about?” or “I see this is intense for you. What is this really about?” “What could help you feel safer with my dancing?”
Our Wounded Child might even need some comfort. Ask your wounded Child, “What do you need to feel better?”
You can even apply the NVC framework. Essentially, could you name the feeling, need, and request of the Adaptive Child? What do they really feel? Why do they feel this way (what do they really need)? What do they need to feel safe stepping down (what is their request)?
Let’s go back to my dance example.
After I ask “What are you really worried about?” my Adaptive Child says, “I’m really worried that you will feel mortified in front of all those people, and that you’ll stop dancing entirely because of the shame. And I really like to dance. So I want you to just dance alone where no one can see you. (request)”
When I listen to what it really needs, it’s clear that it’s ‘shaming’ me with this negative voice to help me avoid pain, getting hurt, and giving up on something I love doing.
Step 5) Give It Assurance + Safety 🦺🥽
When you rephrase the ‘harsh inner critic’ statement to remove any harshness, you capture the essence of the feeling and the request comes through. “Dance only alone. It’s safer that way.”
Consider the request, and who it’s coming from. Then from your wise adult self, you give your Adaptive Child the assurance it needs to quiet that voice. To step down the ‘protection’ efforts.
In my case, maybe I say something like this: “Adaptive Child Jen, I know you have experiences of feeling shame and unworthiness when you danced in front of people as a young girl. I know when you tripped during that Nutcracker ballet audition, how embarrassed you felt. And I know you’re trying to protect me from that pain again. But! I’m very happy to tell you that I have learned a lot about dancing, and falling on my face, and life in the past 25 years since that happened. I’ve learned even more about showing up and getting back up and enjoying the dance. I’m not going to give up dancing, even if I fall on my face. Thanks for trying to protect me, but I’ve got this.”
Maybe it’s words (like that) they need to hear, or maybe it’s a request about how something is done or when.
I have still been dancing and I’m about do to my first performance in 20 years. In order to give my Adaptive Child Jen a greater sense of safety around this, I decided to do a Group Performance instead of a solo one. I’m doing a chair dance routine (easier for me) instead of a pole routine (still very hard).
To summarize – I listen to what that voice needs (when it speaks without harshness). I ask what it really is most afraid of. And then I reassure it that I’m a Wise Adult with tools, confidence, and resilience. This really sets me free.
Step 6) Rinse and Repeat: Hold the Boundary + Let Your Wise Adult Drive 🏎
Rinse and repeat. It takes practice.
See the personal example below to see how I put all these steps together.
Another Personal Example: “Who do you think you are?!”
Context + Trigger: I'm a certified life coach. I have graduated from 2 accredited coach training programs. I've done 15+ years of therapy. I've always been interested in the intersection of personal development, spirituality, and mindfulness... and how all these contribute to our health & happiness.
Yes sometimes, when I share something that I've learned with my coach-hat on, a voice inside me says:
"Who do you think you are? You're not qualified. Everything you're saying has all been said before, by people smarter than you. You're clearly still working on this stuff yourself. Leave it to the experts. Leave it to those that invented it. To those that have it already figured out. Go back to school again.”
I don't always recognize the voice, honestly. Instead, what I do notice is that instead of doing the coaching work I've been trained to do, I'm looking for new trainings, courses, and certifications on how to coach. This is a warning sign for me. This sneaky inner critic voice isn't super harsh. It's subversive because it is disguised as 'humility' or 'beginners mind' or 'always learning.' I go back to studying, instead of showing up to support people, in the way I know I can - right now, with the knowledge and training that I already have. It keeps me small.
Humility and learning are important, yes. Courses and trainings are helpful, yes. But so is showing up and serving others, when you are already equipped to do so.
Here's what I say to that voice:
“I am committed to full-respect living.”
“I respect the wisdom and training that I already have, and I would like that to be respected. That's my boundary.
"I know you're wanting to protect me. What are you really saying? What are you most afraid of?”
I let my Wise Adult listen. "I'm worried about people laughing at me. What if I get something wrong and people rip me down? I'm worried that people see me as a blonde dancer bimbo (and not recognize my intellect), like they did in high school. Remember that pep rally when I got that "Top 10" academic achievement award? Remember when someone asked me "who did you sleep with to get that award? We all know you're not smart." The shock and humiliation and anger was unbearable. I was also still very much a virgin. I felt so misunderstood and downright humiliated. I don't want you to be exposed to pain and rejection like that again."
I say "Thanks for looking out for me. I understand why it feels weird to be seen. The good news is - it's been 20+ years since that happened. I have self-respect and self-esteem. If people laugh at me, I'm not going to let that bother me. If I get something wrong (I will, we all do) I'll just do my best to repair. Some may still see me as a 'blonde dancer bimbo' and not recognize my intellect. That's their shallowness. I don't want to coach them anyway. And speaking that high school pep rally... Remember how my most favorite, well-respected AP classmates genuinely congratulated me after that? And how actually damn good it felt to celebrate my hard work? I will experience pain and rejection, and as a strong, resilient, and wise adult I can handle it. I will not stop coaching because I'm worried someone will laugh at me or because I haven't learned it all yet. I’ve got this.”
I repeat this. I say it aloud. Say it quietly. Make a mantra of it. "We all have the right to share what we know. All of us."
Summary: When your harsh inner critic speaks, hear the subtext & act from your kind, but firm Wise Adult.
Say “I am committed to full-respect living.”
Set a boundary by saying: Say “If it’s not kind, I’m not interested.”
Remember that voice is your brilliant Adaptive Child that is so well trained at protecting itself, and has a lot of practice doing so.
From your Wise Adult state, listen to the Adaptive Child. Listen for what it’s most afraid of, and what it really needs.
Address it, reassure it. With calm, loving firmness tell them what they need to hear — and that you are driving the car.
I hope you give this a try the next time you find yourself with inner cruel voices. Let me know how it goes.
Enjoy the drive. Keep dancing. 💃
