4 Steps to Set Badass Boundaries
Boundaries. That’s right, we’re talking about those magical invisible lines that separate you from becoming everyone else’s personal butler, therapist, and late-night Uber driver.
Let’s be real: You know when your boundaries suck. It’s that sinking feeling when your coworker asks you to finish their project (again), and you say “sure” while internally screaming, “This is fine! This is all fine!”
Spoiler: It’s not fine. And your weak boundaries are causing chaos - for yourself and your relationships. So if you’re feeling burnout, resentment, or exhaustion… read on to learn all about boundaries.
Consider the rose. It’s soft, beautiful, and open. And that is made possible because it has protection (thorns). A great metaphor for boundaries!
What Are Boundaries
I define boundaries as “What we say we will do, in order to (a) meet our needs and (b) protect ourselves from our own triggers. I came to this definition after lots of research.
Dr. Becky Kennedy (a clinical psychologist known for her work on parenting) says that “a boundary is something we say we will do. It requires the other person to do nothing.” They are not about controlling others, but about maintaining control over your own actions and feelings. She views boundaries as clear, compassionate limits that help you protect your own well-being while allowing others to navigate theirs.
Brené Brown (a researcher and author famous for her work on vulnerability and courage) defines boundaries as clear and firm lines that help define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. She often emphasizes that boundaries are about self-respect and the courage to set limits that align with your values.
In essence, boundaries are clear markers that define what you are okay with – and what you are not. AND they require the ability to communicate these limits effectively. They are about taking responsibility for your own needs without feeling guilt for protecting your own well-being.
What Boundaries Are Not
Punishments. Boundaries are not punishments or forms of manipulation. Setting a boundary isn’t about making others feel bad or forcing them to do something; it’s about stating what you will do to meet your own needs.
Walls or barriers to connection. They are not meant to push people away but to create a space where relationships can thrive with mutual respect. Healthy boundaries support healthy connection. Unhealthy boundaries drive disconnection.
Personal Example
What Boundaries Are: You decide that Sunday is your day of rest and communicate to your family that you will be unavailable for specific activities on that day because you need time to rest. This is a clear boundary that honors your need for rest and refuels you for the week ahead.
What Boundaries Are Not: Telling your family that if they don’t leave you alone on Sunday, you’ll refuse to help them for the rest of the week. This would be more of a threat or manipulation rather than a healthy boundary.
Professional Example
What Boundaries Are: At work, you set a boundary with your boss that you won’t be checking emails after 6 PM. You communicate this directly, explaining that it’s important for your mental health and family time, while also making sure that there are systems in place to handle emergencies.
What Boundaries Are Not: Ignoring your boss’s emails in an effort to send a message that you're unhappy with the workload. This would be avoiding the issue rather than setting a clear boundary.
Requirements for Healthy Boundaries
Listen to your “Inner Compass”
Sarri Gilman, author of “Transform Your Boundaries” says “Your life story is shaped by what you say YES to, and what you say NO to. Your yeses and nos are what boundaries are made of.” She recommends you think of your boundaries like a compass with only 2 words on it - yes or no. While I think this is a great and simple visual (and definitely worth listening to her TEDx talk), I think much of the nuance gets lost in this oversimplification.
I prefer to consider that compass my intuition (instead of my boundary). If we can stay connected to our inner compass it points us in the right direction that keeps us safe and meets our needs.
Aim For Firm, But Flexible
If the compass is my gut check, I view the boundaries are the experiments we design to meet our needs and protect ourselves from our triggers.
As you grow, your triggers may shift. So I believe the boundary should remain firm – until the boundary no longer meets your needs.
Example: What Boundaries Will Help Me Decrease My Alcohol Consumption?
Many folks these days are wanting to decrease their drinking (myself included). They aren’t aiming for sobriety, but want to increase health & vitality and think reducing alcohol consumption can support that.
In this instance “decreased drinking for improved sleep” is my need. The boundary is what I will do, in order to (a) meet my needs (less drinking, more sleep) and (b) protect ourselves from our own triggers. It helps to consider what boundaries I need to have for myself – and who to communicate that to – in order to support my goal.
Ask Yourself “How Much”?
The question that I ask myself as I work on setting this boundary is not “yes or no” but rather, “how much?” (hat tip to Henry Ammar for this clear question in his TEDx talk).
I have more dry days and fewer drinks overall during the week that really supports my sleep and energy levels. That’s my answer to “how much.” I can move the goal up or down depending on what seems to be working for me. Maybe drinking after 8pm is the most negatively impactful, or I notice I’m triggered more by cocktails vs beer. I adjust accordingly.
So you can see if your goal is sobriety, you may have a clear yes/no boundary. But if your goal is to reduce consumption there are many ways to get there. If you find yourself veering off course, it may be a sign your boundaries aren’t firm enough.
Let’s say you have a friend that invites you out to a bar at 9pm on the regular. When you go, you tend to lose your willpower and cave… that’s a signal that a boundary could be set, as that invitation seems to be a trigger.
Remember: Healthy Boundaries Support Connection
Prentis Hemphill (somatics teacher, therapist, and founder of The Embodiment Institute) says boundaries are “the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Translation: “I love you, but if you ask me to pick you up from the airport at 3 AM, I will say no because I need sleep.”
Notice that this type of boundary isn’t a ‘fear-based boundary’ (hat tip to Henry Ammar for this concept). It’s not designed to push people out. It’s a ‘love-based boundary’ - designed to maximize the opportunity for healthy connection and mutual thriving. If you said yes in this example, it would impact your sleep, which impacts your ability to connect, which in turn impacts your relationships, work, etc.
Another example – Think about porcupines. The Porcupine Dilemma is a metaphor that describes the challenges of human intimacy and social interaction. (First introduced by the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer.)
The dilemma is based on the idea that porcupines, when trying to get close to one another for warmth, risk pricking each other with their sharp quills. If they get too close, they hurt each other, but if they stay too far apart, they suffer from the cold. The dilemma symbolizes the human struggle to balance the need for closeness and connection with others while avoiding the "pain" (emotional, psychological, or physical) that often comes with intimacy.
Remember: Overly Rigid Boundaries Disconnect Us
The Porcupine Dilemma highlights the importance of setting boundaries in relationships. Without them, we might "hurt" one another, but if we set boundaries too rigidly, we risk feeling isolated and disconnected.
Schopenhauer used the Porcupine Dilemma as a commentary on human nature, suggesting that people are often conflicted between the need for social connection and the desire for self-protection.
Relationship Example: Someone might long for emotional intimacy but fear getting hurt due to past experiences, resulting in them keeping others at arm’s length. However, if they remain too distant, they miss out on the warmth and connection they crave.
The dilemma is a useful lens for understanding why maintaining both emotional closeness and healthy boundaries is so complex.
We all need some non-negotiable boundaries, but we also need to be careful that we don't put too many of our boundaries into this category. If a non-negotiable boundary is going to have any meaning, you have to be willing to follow through on it. It's counter-productive to set non-negotiable boundaries that you don't enforce.
Types of Boundaries
1. Physical & Material Boundaries (Your body + belongings)
Work: If a coworker hovers over my desk while I’m working, then I will ask them to message me or schedule a time to talk.
Personal: If someone asks to borrow money and I’m not comfortable with it, then I will politely say no without over-explaining.
2. Emotional & Mental Boundaries (Your feelings + thoughts)
Work: If a client becomes overly emotional and expects me to provide personal reassurance, then I will redirect them to focus on the legal aspects of their case.
Personal: If a friend vents to me repeatedly without seeking solutions, then I will limit my availability for those conversations.
3. Time & Energy Boundaries (Your schedule + personal capacity)
Work: If a coworker asks for help on a last-minute task outside my priorities, then I will politely decline or suggest a realistic timeframe.
Personal: If I feel socially drained after a long week, then I will decline invitations and prioritize rest without guilt.
4. Relationship & Communication Boundaries (Your interactions + social space)
Work: If a client or coworker speaks to me disrespectfully, then I will address it directly and set clear expectations for communication.
Personal: If a family member makes an unsolicited comment about my life choices, then I will change the subject or express that I’m not open to discussing it.
How to Set Boundaries
Step 1: Find the Trigger
It can be easy to spot weak boundaries in the wild. Like that over-caffeinated intern who doesn’t know when to stop talking. It can sometimes be harder to recognize in our own selves.
Weak boundaries could look like:
At Work: You’re pulling overtime while Karen “needs” to leave at 4 PM to catch her cat’s therapy session, and you’re exhausted and full of resentment.
In Your Personal Life: You’re the go-to emotional dumping ground for friends, family, and strangers in line at the coffee shop.
You might feel:
Drained.
Annoyed but afraid to speak up.
Resentful toward people who never seem to respect your time or energy.
Like you’re the human equivalent of a doormat
Recognize the signs by noticing where there’s friction. Ask yourself:
When do I feel frustrated?
Who do I feel resentment toward?
What’s depleting me mentally, physically, or emotionally?
What’s a specific trigger?
🔎 Personal Example: Your sister drops in too often unannounced - that annoys you immensely. The specific trigger is that it’s unannounced (otherwise, you do enjoy having your sister visit).
Step 2: Identify the Underlying Need
Consider why this trigger might be frustrating you. Consider what you actually need more of (or less of) to reduce the frustration or friction you’re experiencing. This is the underlying need. Ask yourself:
Why do I feel frustrated or depleted by this, specifically?
What do I really want or need here, underneath this?
What values or needs are not being met currently?
🔎 Personal Example: Unannounced visits are triggering because you really need and value privacy and time to yourself.
Step 3: Decide your Action
The boundary is what you say YOUR action will be, in order to get your needs met. There could be many ways to get these met. Brainstorm!
Ask yourself:
What can I do to meet my own need, if (when) this happens again?
🔎 Some things you could do to meet your need for more privacy…
Not open the door
Give her 5 minutes to visit, then as you to leave
Ask for a pre-scheduled meeting day/time
Move further away
Buy a padlock
Ignore her and the issue
Start dropping in on her to see how she likes it
Cut her out of your life
Which of these things would you do if (when) it happens again? Consider which action is something that you could really get behind. If you don’t want to (of believe that you would) move away (for example), strike it from the list.
What is the way for you to love yourself (respect your need for privacy) and love her (by giving her the connection time she desires) simultaneously?
A simple gut check with your compass as you read through these options will highlight out the most reasonable and impactful options.
To narrow down the list into a boundary action, ask yourself:
Do I have conviction and confidence that this action will likely meet my need?
Do I have what it takes for me to follow-through on this boundary?
Many of these things may not effectively give you the privacy you crave, and may massively diminish the relationship. Also note which ones feel more fear-based and which feel more love-based.
Follow the love and notice the more effective and aligned solutions start to rise to the surface.
Step 4: Tell Them
You’re almost there. It’s not a boundary until it’s shared with its intended recipient. The key is to communicate it simply and clearly with the person that needs to know.
Let’s slap some structure on the boundary, so it doesn’t come out like "I don't want to deal with this *$%&."
SImply put, use a simple & clear sentence to communicate the boundary. I like using “If ______, then I will_____” as a sentence stem.
Remember that boundaries are things you will do to meet your own needs (not demands of others). Therapists love ‘I’ Statements for a good reason.
Imagine saying, “You’re making me want to throw my laptop out the window when you come by unannounced.” It will put people on the offensive. Try this instead:
🔎 “Sister, if you drop in unannounced, then I will not open the door. If you schedule a visit with me in advance, I will gladly welcome you in.)
Notice how you’re not blaming them? You’re just stating the facts about what you will do.
Tips for Effective Communication
Tip 1: Convince Yourself First
Get clear on it for yourself first, before expressing it outwardly. You don’t want to be convincing yourself of the boundary while simultaneously convincing others.
If you’re clear on the boundary and in a calm state, it’s less likely that you’ll frame the boundary in the negative. That will avoid invoking the amygdala and activating a stress response.
The recipient may still feel disappointed, but they may feel less like they want to punch you.
Tip 2: Assume They Are Doing Their Best
Dr. Brene Brown talks about this in her book “Rising Strong.” If you assume they are doing their absolute best, it not only opens up empathy circuitry but it can also support the creation of more creative, more effective boundaries.
Tip 3: Get Clear on your Relationship Intention
Consider this: What is your intention for the relationship?
Example 1: “I love you and I care about the relationship, but I can’t watch your dog this weekend.”
Example 2: “I enjoy working with you, but my calendar is full. I will reach out to you if that changes.”
Tip 4: Don’t Over-Explain
When you’re setting boundaries, keep it simple. You don’t owe anyone an essay on your needs.
🔎 See how this longer version feels: “Sister, if you drop in unannounced, then I will not open the door because I am tired of being disrespected and I need more space. I don’t do that to you!”
This long-winded boundary might result in a response from Sister like:
“But I respect you - that’s why I’m coming to see you!” or
“Why do you need space? We lived apart for the past 5 years and are finally in the same town!” or
“I would love it if you gave me surprise visits - it’s the best!”
Engaging in this dialogue doesn’t help you meet your needs. It does tell you more about your sister (which is valuable), but it doesn’t help you care for yourself or your needs.
Your manager asks you to stay late.
Poor Boundary: “I can’t stay late because I have to go to the gym and then make dinner and then watch Netflix and…”
Good Boundary: “I’m not available after 5 PM. Let’s reschedule for tomorrow.”
You get urgent work delivered late in the day.
Poor Boundary: “You keep piling on work and I’m at my wit’s end - I can’t do it because my mom is sick, my kids are up all night, there’s a loud bird outside my window waking me up early. Plus, I’m not saving the money that I want to so you’d need to pay me for overtime. Also, I need more respect around here so please ask me nicely next time.”
Good Boundary: "If I’m asked to stay late, then I will only do so on Tuesdays, and only if I’m compensated."
Your friend’s volume of drama talk is annoying to you.
Poor Boundary: “I can’t listen to Debbie’s relationship drama for the 12th time this week. I’m busy listening to literally anything else. Why doesn’t she ever listen to me? I won’t listen to her until she inquires about me.”
Good Boundary: "If Debbie wants to talk about her relationship drama again, then I’ll let her know I’m unavailable because I need to focus on my own downtime."
Short, sweet, and to the point. Boom.
(BTW - This is really hard for many - especially people-pleasers - to do, so don’t expect it to be easy. But it’s important.)
Tip 5: Validate Emotions + Acknowledge Change is Hard
If they are having a strong emotional response to your new boundary, you may find that validating their emotion (“I can appreciate why you might be upset.”) or acknowledging the change (“I know this is different from how it was, right? Change can be hard, for sure. And, this is something I’m committed to doing to keep myself healthy.”)
You can show compassion and hear the person out, but remember to maintain your self-respect and be firm with the boundary you set for yourself.
Tips for Solid Follow-Through
Okay, here’s where it gets tricky. You’ve set the boundary, but Karen is still emailing you at 8 PM, asking for “just a quick favor.” What now?
Tip 1: Hold the Line
Respond with the same boundary you already set, and make sure it is crystal clear:
“Hey Karen, as I mentioned, I’m not available after 5 PM. Let’s touch base in the morning.”
Tip 2: Embrace the discomfort
Expect people to push back. They’re used to you saying yes. But guess what? Their disappointment isn’t your responsibility. Your responsibility is doing what you said you would do.
Psychologist Nedra Glover Tawwab says, “People will treat you the way you let them treat you.” So if you don’t hold your boundary, they may just steamroll it. Stay firm, stay calm, and most importantly—stay guilt-free.
Think of how resentful and angry you will be down the line, if you don’t express your boundary now. Once you get good at boundaries, you won’t feel like you have to “say no” so much.
Tip 3: Remember the boundary takes care of me and us
The whole point of the boundary is to take care of you and preserve the relationship. Trust your compass (don’t ignore or argue with it). Remember this boundary is about what YOU will do (not about what they may or may not do).
There may be immediate discomfort, but it results in a long-term win - if your fundamental need is being met.
Tip 4: Stress clouds your compass
Boundaries help you manage stress, so if you’re having a hard time listening to your compass work on stress reduction.
Boundaries can (admittedly) be stressful to set (the irony!) but the sweat required to set the boundary will result in lowered future stress, improved relationships, etc.
Final Thought: Boundaries Aren’t about Saying No
Listen, boundaries aren’t just about saying “no.” They’re about saying “yes” to the things that actually matter—like your mental health, your free time, and your ability to live without losing your mind.
In fact, the better you get at setting boundaries proactively, the less you will feel like you have to ‘say no’ all the time. Dr. Brene Brown says that people that have massive amounts of compassion also have sky-high, rock-solid boundaries. They take as much space as they need, so they are whole, and therefore they are able to give, give, give.
So the next time someone asks you to take on something that’s not yours to carry, remember: you’re in control.
You’ve got this. Now go out there, set some boundaries.
And if this is hard? Come find me and let’s do some boundary coaching. Book a chat with me and we’ll see how I can help: https://www.jenottovegio.com/clarity
Additional Resources
Podcasts:
Jay Shetty Boundaries episode
Nedra Glover Tawwab - licensed therapist and author of "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" on the 10% Happier with Dan Harris podcast - a focus on being specific, minimal words, and actually asking someone to stop if they aren’t getting the picture
Dr. Brené Brown - research professor who has studied vulnerability, shame, and boundaries. She emphasizes how boundaries help us avoid resentment and maintain healthy relationships. "Unlocking Us" is her podcast that regularly covers boundary-setting as it relates to vulnerability and emotional health, especially in her episodes discussing her book "Daring Greatly."
Videos:
