Navigating Family Dynamics: Kind ‘Real-Talk’ with Mom During Wedding Stress
Read this Client Story to get a glimpse into what Communication Coaching with Jen is like. You may also get some tips on how to use Nonviolent Communication to confidently navigate your family dynamics and communicate empathetically with your well-intentioned parents. 😊
When it’s not the ‘wedding’ that’s stressful… but the old, family patterns.
My client, Sophie, was in the process of planning her own wedding celebration, to the woman of her dreams. Traveling from Portland, Oregon back to her conservative, midwestern hometown for the ceremony brought up some stuff. But during our coaching sessions together, Sophie realized the main source of anxiety around her upcoming wedding wasn’t actually the wedding itself… it was old patterns in her family dynamics.
Specifically, it was parting ways with her mom at the end of the visit.
It was always the same dance. It comes time to say goodbye, her sweet mom lays on thick an unintended guilt trip about not being home long enough, and Sophie stews in silence. She feels like her visits home are never enough. She feels angry, guilty, and frankly less excited to return in a few months for yet another guilt trip.
During coaching sessions, I introduced her to the ‘nonviolent communication’ framework - one of my favorite tools. We role-played potential responses together. We got more clear on what exactly was rubbing her. We spent the entire session on this topic.
Sophie walked away from the session feeling confident and clear about what she wanted. She had a compassionate script written (literally, notes to bring with her). These were meant to remind her of important points to mention.
She was able to see that both she and her mom had a similar desire for more connection time. But it was also clear that her mom didn’t know how her well-meaning comments affected her daughter.
Sophie felt ready to share her feelings with her mom. The plan was to read through the script, a few hours before the end of the visit, so it was fresh in her mind. She didn’t want to read it verbatim to her mom, but she did want to recall the words she had so carefully selected. Word selection and delivery here matters.
This was her script:
Mom, I’ve been thinking. Towards the end of my last visit, you said ‘We never have enough time together.’ I know it came from a place of love. But I want you to know that when I hear that, I feel my efforts to return home go unappreciated. Then I feel angry, and then I feel critical of myself for feeling anger. What I really want is to feel connection, gratitude, and love.
So I was brainstorming… At the end of my visits home, would you be willing to share what you most enjoyed about our time together? I would also like to share my highlights. That way we could end on a positive note. It would really fill me up.
In expressing her feelings, needs, and requests of her mom, Sophie ended her cycle of frustration, disappointment, and guilt. She had a lovely wedding, then boarded that plane back to Portland finally feeling seen and heard. She and her mom were able to co-create a new way of doing goodbyes that felt better for both of them.
This experience helped Sophie build the confidence to share her feelings more authentically — not just with her mom, but also in other relationships. She reports feeling more authentically connected in her relationships, as a consequence. 😊
I want to congratulate Sophie for all the hard work that went on behind the scenes to handle this ‘confrontation’ with grace, class, confidence and empathy. 🎉
Nonviolent Communication is a ‘simple’ 4-step model. AND it can be incredibly challenging to practice and implement on your own. Especially if it’s not something you were modeled growing up.
With practice, anyone can become a better communicator. Does this call to you? To learn more about Communication Coaching, get in touch.
I offer all prospective clients a free 1:1 coaching session, so you can experience communication coaching yourself before making a financial commitment.